Listen, I've been watching this unfold for months now, and honestly? It's about bloody time.
Fortnum & Mason – you know, that ridiculously posh department store where a jar of jam costs more than my weekly grocery budget – has finally figured out that there are actual humans with money living outside the M25. Revolutionary stuff, really. After 318 years of keeping all four of their UK stores locked up in London like some kind of luxury hostage situation, they're actually considering venturing into the wild unknown territories of... well, anywhere else in Britain.
The Piccadilly Prison Break
Here's the thing that gets me. William Fortnum (a footman, no less) and Hugh Mason started this whole empire back in 1707 from a spare room and a tiny shop in St James Market. Humble beginnings, right? Fast forward three centuries, and they've somehow convinced themselves that civilization ends at the London border.
Currently, you can find Fortnum & Mason in Piccadilly (obviously), St Pancras station, the Royal Exchange in Bank, and Heathrow Terminal. Notice a pattern? Yeah, they're all in London. Shocking.
But CEO Tom Athron dropped some interesting intel to The Telegraph recently. He's apparently interested in having branches "up the spine of the country" – which sounds vaguely anatomical but I'll roll with it.
Beautiful Architecture Required (No Ugly Towns Need Apply)
Now here's where it gets properly British. Athron says they're looking for sites in "beautiful locations" with "beautiful architecture." Because God forbid they set up shop somewhere that doesn't look like a Jane Austen film set.
"This isn't about ubiquity," he explains, which is corporate speak for "we're still going to be incredibly picky about where we grace you peasants with our presence."
The man's got a point though – you can't just plonk a Fortnum & Mason next to a Greggs and call it a day. (Actually, that would be hilarious. Someone should suggest that.)
From Christmas Novelty to Year-Round Obsession
Here's what's really driving this expansion fever: people have stopped treating Fortnum & Mason like a once-a-year Christmas splurge.
Apparently, shoppers are now "snapping up luxury food products to stock their own larders throughout the year." Which means regular humans are buying £15 marmalade on a Tuesday in March, not just when they're panic-buying hampers for their mother-in-law in December.
Smart move, really. Why limit your overpriced tea and biscuit empire to seasonal guilt purchases when you can have people spending ridiculous money on jam every month?
The Great British Retail Resurrection
This whole thing is happening while other retailers are crawling back from the dead like some kind of high street zombie apocalypse.
TM Lewin managed to resurrect itself after administration (impressive, considering how many shirt shops have died lately). ASOS is plotting a Topshop comeback – because apparently we need more overpriced crop tops. And Wilko has already risen from the ashes after closing 400 stores in 2023, with CDS Superstores opening new branches faster than you can say "discount homeware."
It's like watching retail Lazarus syndrome in real time.
What This Actually Means
Look, I'm not holding my breath for a Fortnum & Mason to pop up in every market town. They're still going to be selective as hell, and probably charge £8 for a packet of biscuits that costs 80p at Tesco.
But there's something weirdly satisfying about watching a 318-year-old London institution finally admit that maybe – just maybe – there are people outside the capital worth selling overpriced groceries to.
Now if they could just work on those prices...
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