Holy crap, another American fast food joint is coming to steal our money and expand our waistlines. Just what Britain needed!
Church's Texas Chicken (never heard of it? me neither until yesterday) has announced they're "setting their sights" on the UK market. Translation: they're planning to flood our high streets with yet another fried chicken option while your local chippy struggles to keep the lights on.
What the hell is Church's anyway?
These guys already have about 1,400 restaurants scattered across 22 countries - they've even got locations in places like Qatar and Iraq. Apparently their chicken is so good it crosses conflict zones.
Their big boss, Roland Gonzalez (who I'm picturing with perfect teeth and a power suit), made some corporate-speak comment about how the "European QSR market is evolving rapidly" and there's "huge potential" blah blah blah. What he really means is "we've noticed you Brits love stuffing your faces with fried chicken and we want a piece of that greasy pie."
The chain is apparently targeting a ridiculous 900 new locations globally. And yes, the UK is firmly in their crosshairs, along with France, Italy, and Spain. Nowhere is safe.
Better than The Colonel?!
I spent way too much time last night going down a Reddit rabbit hole about these guys. The Americans seem to genuinely love this place. Multiple people swear it's better than KFC and Popeyes.
One person wrote: "I gotta say it was the best fast food fried chicken I've had in a long time. Better than Popeyes and KFC..the biscuits, sides, everything was just way better."
Another said: "Church's is HELLA underrated. Super good food for an affordable price."
For us Brits, there's some translation needed - when they talk about "biscuits," they mean those weird savory scone things Americans serve with gravy, not a proper Hobnob with your tea. Cultural differences, eh?
The Great American Fast Food Invasion (Part 4,392)
This isn't happening in isolation. American chains are practically falling over themselves to set up shop here lately.
Remember when Chick-fil-A tried that Reading pop-up back in 2019? Well, they're back with a vengeance, opening in Northern Ireland with plans for Leeds, Liverpool, and London. My mate Dave tried it last month and texted me: "worth the hype but my arteries hate me now."
Carl's Jr just landed in Cardiff too. I've never tried it, but my cousin who lived in California for 3 years won't shut up about their burgers. "Life-changing," she calls them. Bit dramatic if you ask me.
Chuck E. Cheese is coming for your children
Perhaps most terrifying of all, that nightmare-inducing mouse from Chuck E. Cheese is reportedly planning to launch six branches across England and Scotland. God help us all.
They're eyeing up Milton Keynes, Glasgow, Leeds, Manchester, Birmingham, and Bristol. Apparently they think we're all desperate for "redemption games" - you know, where you spend £40 trying to win enough tickets to get a plastic toy worth about 50p. My kids are gonna bankrupt me if this happens.
Listen. I'll probably try Church's when it opens. I'm only human. And I'll probably like it because, let's face it, fried chicken is fried chicken. But part of me does wonder if we really need another American chain muscling in when so many local businesses are struggling.
Then again, who am I kidding? I'll be there on opening day, taking Instagram pics like everyone else.
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