Holy crap, what a week for British business. I was just telling my wife yesterday that I haven't seen markets this spooked since those dark pandemic days when we were all hoarding toilet paper and pretending sourdough was a personality trait.
Tomorrow our desperate PM is gonna stand up and basically beg investors not to abandon ship. "Back British brilliance" he'll plead, while frantically dusting off plans for an industrial strategy that should've been ready months ago. Classic Starmer - always a beat behind the music.
The Jaguar-Shaped Canary in the Coal Mine
It's already getting ugly out there. Jaguar Land Rover just hit the emergency brakes on all US shipments. Let that sink in. One of our proudest exports - those gorgeous machines that everyone from Kim K to Ben Affleck parks in their driveways - now sitting in limbo because of Trump's tariff tantrum.
Friday was an absolute bloodbath for the FTSE. Worst day since COVID knocked the world sideways. I've got a mate who works in the City who texted me: "Drinking at my desk. Don't tell HR." Poor guy's portfolio probably looks like it fell down a lift shaft.
What the Hell is Keir's Plan?
According to a No 10 insider (who I bet was nervously pacing while giving this quote), "Britain is a nation to be proud of. We stand tall in the face of uncertainty, and this Government's choice in this volatile world is to back British brilliance."
Yeah, right. Standing tall while the economic floor crumbles beneath our feet.
The source added some waffle about ripping up planning rules and reforming teh state, before dropping this gem: "We are in a new era. And that requires even greater action."
No kidding. You think?
Universal Studios in... Milton Keynes?!
In what feels like throwing spaghetti at the wall, Starmer's expected to greenlight a British Universal Studios theme park in Milton Keynes. Because nothing says "robust economic strategy" like building rollercoasters in Buckinghamshire during a financial crisis.
Listen. I'm not against fun. God knows we could all use some right now. But this feels like offering a Band-Aid to someone who just lost a limb.
Cheaper Staycations (While Rome Burns)
The Treasury's also cooking up plans to make British holidays more affordable. They're slashing red tape so hotels and campsites can buddy up with pubs and restaurants to create DIY package deals. Which would be great if anyone still had disposable income to spend on holidays by next summer.
Back in 2019, I spent £3,200 on a week in Cornwall. Felt like daylight robbery then. Now it seems like the good old days.
Diplomatic Phone Tag
Meanwhile, Sir Keir's been working the phones from his cushy Chequers retreat. Yesterday it was Macron's turn to hear our PM's worried voice. They apparently agreed that "nothing should be off the table" - except, it seems, reciprocal tariffs on the US.
No 10 is terrified of a trade war that could push our already wheezing economy into full cardiac arrest. Understandable, but it leaves us looking toothless.
I remember talking to an economist friend at a dinner party last month who predicted something like this. His response when I texted him yesterday: "already updating my LinkedIn profile."
The China Problem Nobody Wants to Talk About
British manufacturers are freaking out that China will now flood our market with cheap cars and bikes. And they're probably right. It's like watching dominoes fall in slow motion.
European brewers warn we could see 100,000 job losses. That's not just statistics - that's people's lives, mortgages, kids' futures.
Trump, meanwhile, is doubling down. "This is an economic revolution, and we will win," he posted online yesterday. "Hang tough, it won't be easy, but the end result will be historic. We will make America great again."
Easy for him to say when he's not the one who might miss out on the new Range Rover.
JLR sells around 400,000 vehicles annually, with nearly a quarter going to the US. That was 38,000 cars in just the third quarter of 2024 alone. Now they're "taking some short-term actions including a shipment pause in April." Corporate-speak for "we're absolutely bricking it."
I feel stupid now for thinking 2024 couldn't possibly be worse than the last few years. Buckle up, folks. This ride's just getting started.
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