Okay, so I just heard the most bizarre thing. Jet skis. Actual jet skis. That's apparently Labour's grand solution to the migrant crisis that's been spiraling out of control. I nearly spat out my coffee when my colleague forwarded me this memo yesterday morning.
When Did We Start Living in a Bond Film?
The Home Office is "floating" (pun absolutely intended) plans to use jet skis to intercept those small, overcrowded dinghies crossing the Channel. Not making this up. The idea involves French officers zooming around on these things and deploying nets in shallow waters to jam propellers and bring boats to what they're calling a "safe stop."
A government insider I spoke with compared it to those spike strips police use to burst car tyres during chases. Because apparently that's where we are now in 2025.
Let that sink in for a moment.
Cooper's €500 Million Question
Home Secretary Yvette Cooper is desperately trying to get some bang for our buck. The UK has handed over roughly £500 million to the French, and she's pushing them to actually do something meaningful with all that cash. She's already convinced French Interior Minister Bruno Retailleau to change their laws so they can turn boats around in shallow waters.
The pressure's mounting on Cooper. Channel crossings are up by about 30% compared to last year – with 11,516 people making teh dangerous journey already this year versus 8,826 during the same period in 2024.
The Ghost of Rwanda Past
Remember the Rwanda plan? The Tories certainly won't let anyone forget it. They've been hammering Labour relentlessly since Cooper axed the deportation scheme, which they insist would have deterred crossings.
Instead, Cooper's strategy has been throwing money and resources at tackling the criminal gangs organizing these crossings. Which, if we're honest, feels a bit like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon when you look at the sheer scale of this crisis.
I spoke with a former Border Force officer last week who just laughed when I mentioned the government's latest plans. His response: "We've been here before. Different government, same recycled ideas."
Wait... Didn't Priti Try This Already?
This isn't even an original idea! Back in 2021, then Home Secretary Priti Patel floated (sorry, can't help the water puns) a similar plan. The difference? Her version had Border Force officers intercepting boats in British waters and literally spinning them back toward France.
That plan got scrapped because – shocker – people realized it might be dangerous and possibly break international law. You know, minor details.
God. The déjà vu in British politics is exhausting sometimes.
Coming Soon: Cooper's Migration Masterplan
Next week we'll finally see Cooper's long-awaited blueprint for tackling legal migration numbers. Word is it'll focus mainly on slashing visa numbers, but sources tell me it's also expected to address foreign offenders who use European human rights laws to avoid deportation.
I spent $40 on drinks with a Home Office adviser last night trying to get more details, but all I got was "it's comprehensive" and "transformative." Which in Westminster-speak usually means "we're still figuring it out" and "please don't ask me any specific questions."
Let's be real – jet skis and nets might make for good headlines, but when you're facing record migration numbers and a system bursting at the seams, it feels a bit like bringing water pistols to a forest fire.
I'll be at the press briefing next week. Will report back with all the details... and probably more questionable aquatic enforcement tactics.
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