THEY say that love is blind . . . but nobody told Hetti Bywater.
The former EastEnders actress, who played Lucy Beale in the soap, has issued a VERY specific list of requirements for any man lucky enough to date her.
The call for a boyfriend on Instagram made clear that her true love will have blue eyes and brains, wear glasses, be more than 5ft 10in tall, work in TV or fashion, be left wing in his politics and want to travel.
He should “want to conquer the world” but also “be kind” and “have banter”. I shuddered at those final two words.
Hetti, you are sweet. But stop this madness. You may think that now you have conjured your very own Mr Potatohead, all you need now is a 3D printer.
Sadly, human chemistry doesn’t work like that. Even if a bloke with baby blues like Frank Sinatra and a fondness for Jeremy Corbyn rang your doorbell tomorrow, the chances are you would not hit it off.
STOP THIS MADNESS
Yes, kindness and a similar worldview help. But there is no physical recipe for the perfect man — and we are all more than the sum of our parts.
You might fall for a brown-eyed hobbit who works in Currys, or meet a man who ticks all your predetermined boxes yet does nothing for you.
Adolf Hitler had blue eyes and certainly wanted to conquer the world — but is nobody’s idea of good company at Pizza Express.
Hetti later made clear she was joking. But having a list of non-negotiables would blinker her to some absolute gems.
The stunning 24-year-often shows off her figure on social media
Like a Tesco delivery, you may have to accept substitutes if some items on your list are out of stock.
Of course, I can patronisingly mouth off now. When I was her age, I had my own list of ingredients for Mr Right.
He would have loads of dark hair, be tall and come from Spain or Italy. He would be funny, confident and intelligent but also doting and malleable.
He would be a sexy, bossy Alpha male but roll over like a kitten to fit my every whim. And did I find him? Er, no. Still single, I feel like a fool for ever imagining he might even exist.
And it’s with a deep sense of irony I realise the main relationships of my life have been with men who didn’t fit this bill at all.
In fact, almost every man I’ve dated has surprised me in some way. There was the blond idiot I was obsessed with and the shy travel rep, who I had nothing in common with.
These days, I’m far less prescriptive. Non-giants are fine. My last boyfriend was just 5ft 8in. I remember being deeply proud of myself when I realised this.
“Look how far you’ve come,” I thought. But I admit I still have a blueprint for my dream man. It’s a tall order in every sense.
I still often tell mates I will only settle down if I meet a guy who embodies the Big Four: Fit, funny, clever and kind.
My friend Keely once asked which of those I would be willing to sacrifice, as few men are all of the above. “Er, none of them,” I replied.
Keely, along with most of my other mates, quietly despairs of me, while I proudly continue my quest for my unicorn soulmate.
But it has been a while now since I dated anyone. And instead of drawing comfort from my refusal to settle, I am finally starting to suspect I might have got this all wrong.
ALMOST ANYTHING WILL DO
Although I no longer picture what “The One” looks like, perhaps I should stop expecting total perfection in my potential partner’s life.
Kindness is non-negotiable but maybe he doesn’t need a Nobel prize or a sold-out stand-up tour.
Maybe this megawatt bulb of a bloke I have in my head doesn’t need to shine quite so brightly. Instead, I should concentrate on the little things.
He needs to be a grown-up, a good listener, have a job, be better than me with money (not hard, to be fair) and in terms of looks . . . sod it, almost anything will do.
With that in mind, I am broadening the search with my very own dating ad on Instagram. Here goes:
WANTED: Decent bloke of indeterminate age. Must have a pulse and a penis.
