IF anything became clear from This Morning’s Phillip Schofield scandal, it was ITV’s contempt for its own viewers who they dismissively referred to as “Towerblock Traceys”.
It’s an attitude not confined to daytime TV either.
Love Island has now been broadcast for 90 days this year and the cast are cynical and obnoxious
Because, if you want more evidence, you should watch its new drama Riches, where no one even tries to disguise their loathing for the network’s core audience.
Or you could just tune into ITV2’s cash cow Love Island which, over two 2023 series, has now been broadcast for 90 days this year and unlike the viewers, shows no signs of flagging.
Indeed, it’s only just reached the Casa Amor stage, a divisive mingling that’s brought with it some much-needed drama, 12 new Islanders and a couple of funny names.
On the boys’ side there’s Ouzy, pronounced the same way as 50 per cent of contestants two weeks after they’ve left the show (“Who’s he?”) and on the girls’ there’s Tink, who should have been contractually obliged to marry Mitchel Taylor and then pursue a career in military intelligence, purely for the “Tink Taylor Soldier Spy” headlines.
Sadly, that will never happen now.
Mitchel has coupled up with Abi and Tink has already been eliminated.
Even if she hadn’t, though, I sense it would’ve been a long shot as “Love” seems to be the last thing on the minds of the Islanders, who are an obnoxiously self- centred and egotistical bunch who have clearly realised their social media following will long outlast any holiday romance.
It’s a cynical, if entirely logical, approach I suppose, given how relentlessly ITV has been milking the commercial opportunities and product-placing the life out of Love Island.
As far as a light entertainment show goes, though? It makes for lousy viewing.
Quite often they’ll snog, occasionally they’ll argue, but things got so slow last week ITV2 had to resort to screening this bored imponderable from Mitchel.
“Zach. If you were a sea creature, what would you be?”
“An orca,” replied Zach, in his Ali G voice, “’Cos dey are da gangsters of da ocean.”
“Plankton,” I started scribbling, at about the same time, ’cos dey is carried by da tides and da currents.
Before I’d even got my head round that one, though, Zach was wondering out loud: “How different would life be if insects were da size of labradors?”
Love Island is now so predictable and uninspired that even Iain Sterling is struggling
A question that’s given Guide Dogs For The Blind sleepless nights, I’m sure, but how did it ever make it on to a prime-time television show?
And why was it not pounced on by Iain Stirling, whose commentary used to be able to get Love Island out of any hole but is now so predictable, uninspired and downright annoying at times, it makes me wonder if it was ever funny at all?
This is not entirely his fault, of course.
Being funny about Love Island for one episode, with all the health and safety joke restrictions now in place, is hard enough.
Maintaining any sort of standard, over two series and 90 days, is almost impossible.
PUB RAMBLINGS
For that you can blame the greed of ITV who, by disobeying the simple rules of supply and demand, have reduced the market value of the show to the point that, sooner or later, it will inevitably collapse.
Personally, I won’t miss it or the youthful pub ramblings of the contestants which reached the point of no return this week, when Jess spotted a dragonfly dipping its arse in the pool and exclaimed: “Insects don’t have willies or dicks.”
A bold zoological position to take, but the cockchafer beetle says she’s wrong.
Queen’s comedy cruelty
Catherine Tate’s BBC sitcom Queen of Oz is the worst comedy of the decade
THE hollow triumph of the woke revolution is almost complete and television comedy is all but dead.
The latest nail in the coffin being BBC1’s crass and embarrassing sitcom Queen Of Oz, which closes every week with a two-pronged disclaimer that assures us: “No animal was harmed for the purposes of or in the making of this show.”
It’s designed to let you know Catherine Tate’s exiled Queen Georgiana character didn’t really blow a kangaroo’s brains out in episode two, but also reveals the production team fears political activists far more than it respects the viewers, who it clearly believes to be as thick as a wombat’s arse.
The cruelty embargo isn’t, however, extended to the cast, who look like they’ve been forced into positions by a cattle prod and would welcome the sweet release of a stun gun rather than endure one more second of Tate’s histrionics.
The real kicker arrives, though, just before that animal alert when the credits also inform viewers: “The producers would like to acknowledge and pay respect to the traditional owners of the lands on which Queen Of Oz was filmed and produced.”
Or as I read it, in the process of making the worst comedy of the decade, a few woke tossers felt vaguely guilty about mass genocide.
What a comfort to the Aboriginal people that mustn’t have been.
TV name of the week?
Courtesy of Sky News, a Palestinian man in the West Bank, who was reacting to IDF retaliation and captioned: “Mustafa Sheta”.
As would anyone be, if the Israeli army took the hump with them.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Chase: Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “The Armenian Viper is a venomous type of which reptile?”
Russell Watson: “Spider.”
Bradley Walsh: “The TV drama This Is Us is mainly set in what Pennsylvania city?”
AJ Pritchard: “Transylvania.”
Love Island, Jess: “What is the capital of Turkey?”
Sammy: “Mauritius.”
And Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “In his epic poems, Homer often refers to nectar as the drink of the Gods and which other substance as their food?”
Dom: “I know he likes doughnuts, Ben. I’m going with doughnuts.”
“Ambrosia. Wrong Homer.”
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
This Morning, Craig Doyle: “Your hair’s gorgeous as well, Matthew [Wright].”
Love Island, Kady: “Maybe I’m too much of a deep thinker for Zach.” : )
And Love Island, Catherine: “People look at you and smile, Whitney.” : (
Random TV irritations
LAST Leg host Adam Hills revealing the heartless, left-wing git that lurks behind the simpering woke facade with barbed comments about the lost Titan submarine crew.
Good Morning Britain’s Ben Shephard referring to Andi Peters as “AP”.
ITV refusing to admit it’s run out of places to send Joanna Lumley.
And the chortling sponsor inserts during ITV’s dreadful Cooking With Stars show: “Gnocchi gnocchi?” “Whosy therey?”
P***y offy woffy. I’m not in the mood.
Lookalike of the week
Matthew Wright has an uncanny resemble to Calamity James
TODAY’S winner is This Morning haemorrhoid Matthew Wright and Calamity James from The Beano.
Sent in by Bailey James.
TV Gold
THE only shows that actually merited the description TV Gold this week were Netflix’s joyful Wham! documentary and Channel 4’s Evacuation, which laid bare Britain’s hasty Afghanistan withdrawal without the intrusion of any political spin.
Mercifully, it was devoid of the usual tearful, hand-flapping theatrics that have ruined many a TV show as well.
Instead, the three-part documentary told the story through original footage and witness statements from a few lucky evacuees and British military personnel, whose stoicism was matched by their natural economy of words and gift for the understatement, which spelled out the true, chaotic horror of the Evacuation via men like Gaz, a Sergeant Major with the Parachute Regiment, who simply said: “It was no sort of Butlin’s playground, was it.”
If you haven’t already, watch Evacuation on Channel 4’s catch-up service.
Great sporting insights
NASSER HUSSAIN: “Australia still on top in this second Ashes test. But it was a good fightback by India.”
Dion Dublin: “If you look at it here, you won’t see it.”
Mike Atherton: “He’ll want to keep Lyon on strike at the non-striker’s end.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Bradley Walsh’s exchanges on The Chase always throws up a few odd exchanges
SHOCK quiz show answer of the week?
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “At what kind of ceremony would two lovers rest their rings on a cushion?”
Marc: “A wedding.”
“Correct.”
’Cos I was convinced it was The Eurovision Song Contest.
THE Last Leg, Jonathan Ross on Miriam Margolyes’ naked Vogue shoot: “You look stunning, you look beautiful, but it also really captures the warmth about you.
“Your spirit is there, your humour, your vitality. They’re just such gorgeous photos.”
Miriam Margolyes: “Are you Jewish?”
No. He’s an Orthodox liar.
RE: The Last Leg, Josh Widdicombe: “Have I been mis-booked as a political pundit?”
No. You’ve been mis-booked as a comedian.
