Trump's Birthday Bash: $100M Military Parade Plan Has DC Officials Rolling Their Eyes

By HOAR Team 7 April, 2025 5 mins read 84 Views

Look, I wasn't planning to write about another Trump spectacle today, but my editor texted me at 6:43 AM with "you're gonna love this one" followed by the link. God. The man never stops.

So here we go. Donald Trump apparently wants to throw himself teh biggest birthday party Washington has ever seen—a $100 million military extravaganza complete with tanks, missiles, and thousands of troops marching through DC streets. And yes, you read that right—it's planned for June 14th, which happens to be both his birthday AND the 250th anniversary of the US Army. Subtle, right?

We've Seen This Movie Before

Back in 2018 (feels like 17 decades ago), Trump got all starry-eyed after watching Macron's military parade in France. I remember the press conference afterward—Trump practically gushing like a kid who'd just discovered fireworks. "We're going to have to try and top it," he said, which anyone who's observed him for more than 5 minutes could've predicted.

That plan crashed and burned when DC officials pointed out that, hey, maybe dragging 70-ton tanks across city streets might cause some damage? Not to mention the $91 million price tag that made even Pentagon officials choke on their coffee.

I was at a defense conference that summer when the parade idea first floated around. The reaction from one retired general I spoke with: "Already updating my resume for the private sector." Poor guy thought the military was about to become Trump's personal birthday entertainment committee.

From the Pentagon to Pennsylvania Avenue (Maybe)

According to Washington City Paper's report (which I've been obsessively refreshing for updates), the current vision is for this massive procession to begin at the Pentagon in Arlington and wind its way to the White House.

Just imagine it. Tanks scraping across Memorial Bridge. Jets screaming overhead. Troops marching in formation while tourists wonder if they've accidentally wandered onto a movie set.

I spent $40 on an Uber last month just trying to get across DC during rush hour. Can't wait to see what happens when they shut down half the city for this.

What's $100 Million Between Friends?

Listen. I'm not saying military celebrations aren't important. My cousin served two tours in Afghanistan and I've attended my share of Veterans Day parades.

But $100 million? For a parade?

Arlington County Board Chair Takis Karantonis told reporters he got a "heads up" about the parade from the White House, but with typical diplomatic understatement noted that perhaps the government might consider "the pain and concerns of numerous veteran residents who have lost or might lose their jobs in recent federal decisions" before going all-out on a birthday spectacle.

The Great American Everything

This parade appears to be just the appetizer in Trump's patriotic feast. He's also pushing for a "Great American State Fair" to celebrate America's 250th birthday in 2026—a year-long carnival featuring a "National Garden of American Heroes" with statues of everyone from George Washington to Muhammad Ali.

I feel stupid now for thinking the 4th of July was already a pretty good celebration of America. Apparently what we've been missing is... more. Just more of everything.

Will It Actually Happen?

The last time Trump tried this, then-DC Mayor Muriel Bowser effectively shut it down by presenting a budget that made the White House blink. Trump complained on Twitter (remember when it was called that?) that local politicians "wanted a number so ridiculously high that I cancelled it."

But that was first-term Trump. This is second-term Trump.

My neighbor works for the National Park Service and when I mentioned this story over the fence yesterday, he just stared into the distance like a ghost at a family reunion. "We're already making contingency plans," he finally said before walking back inside without another word.

Whatever happens, June 14th in Washington just got a whole lot more interesting. And if you're planning to visit DC that day... don't.

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